Ben Franklin is a Pimp
April 10, 2008
Exhibit A. Ben Franklin on the U.S. One Hundred Dollar Bill
A few months ago, my friend Jung said a peculiar statement: Ben Franklin was a pimp. At first, I was outraged. How dare he slander a man of such great accomplishment. It was not until he started explaining the evidence that I began to realize that our greatest founding father secretly slapped hos around.
First of all, there is no way that Benjamin Franklin invented the lightning rod, bifocals, the Franklin stove, and a musical instrument without getting some outside help. The guy was a publisher. He printed books, articles, magazines and got rich. C’mon, he printed magazines. Yes. You know what type of magazines I’m talking about.
But putting this aside, he must have gotten inside information from somewhere. But where? How?
Well as you know, Ben Franklin knew a lot of people. Everybody loved Ben Franklin. Rich people loved Ben Franklin. Poor people loved Ben Franklin. Smart people loved Ben Franklin. Geniuses who actually invented the lightning rod loved Ben Franklin. Why did they love Ben Franklin? Because he rented out hos to them. What did he get in return? Credit for things he did not invent.
If you are still not convinced, let us take a look at Exhibit B.
Exhibit B. Ben Franklin waiting for his girls.
Here we can see that Benjamin Franklin is not reading the newspaper. He is actually looking at his pimp schedule. Being an extremely popular man (and an extremely popular pimp) Benjamin actually did invent the schedule to help him organize his (and his hos’) week’s work. Also, he has a pimp cane.
If you still aren’t convinced maybe this will persuade you: Benjamin Franklin is on the hundred dollar bill (See Exhibit A.) Let me repeat that statement. Benjamin Franklin is on the hundred dollar bill. He wasn’t even a president. George Washington saved the children but not the British children and got the one dollar bill. Abe Lincoln ended the institution of slavery in America and got on the five dollar bill. Let’s ignore the ten dollar Bill because noone knows who the hell that is. Andrew Jackson was also a war hero and got the twenty dollar Bill. Ulysses S. Grant put the South in its place and got the fifty. But Ben Franklin, the only non-president on a bill (noone knows the identity of the 10 dollar bill), got on the hundred dollar bill. Why? Because he was a pimp.
In conclusion, be like Ben Franklin. Be a pimp.